Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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