So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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