You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
