Who did Billy Mays play for?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
