omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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