Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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