lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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