How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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