If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
