I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
