Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
