I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
