it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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