He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
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