Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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