if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
