so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
