There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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