I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I could make wine with my vomit
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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