I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
