i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just forgot I was standing up.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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