Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
