and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
