You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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