My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
