Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize