I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
