I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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