well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
