Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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