Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
