I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
