this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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