If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
