driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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