he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
