the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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