So drunk its hurt
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
