My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
