6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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