i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
