Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
