Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
