My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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