Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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