Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
