Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
