my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
