Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Randomize
