I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
