Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
